JoBlo’s Guide to Movie Theater Etiquette
If you’ve clicked on this article, you likely still enjoy going to the movies. There’s something about the communal intimacy of experiencing a film amidst other theater-goers that makes the event unique, so long as people practice common decency and proper movie theater etiquette. Last week, my wife and I went to a late-night showing of Ready or Not 2: Here I Come. The movie was fun, not as strong as the original, but still a good time. What would have made the movie infinitely better? If the couple sitting in front of us had shut their traps for the duration of the film. That would have been nice. To the woman’s credit, she spoke in hushed tones, leaning in to whisper her responses to her male partner. Meanwhile, the dude ruined aspects of the movie for everyone with his nonstop commentary, undercutting every moment of tension it had to offer. So, I have this JoBlo platform, maybe it’s time to remind folks of proper movie theater etiquette, because clearly, the PSA that plays before a film starts is no longer enough.
You might be thinking, “C’mon, Steve, how bad could it have been?” Straight up, it was one of the more egregious examples of someone who won’t shut the fuck up that I’ve ever encountered. I knew he was going to be a problem the moment he sat down, two pints and a fishbowl’s worth of a mixed cocktail precariously balanced in his meat-hook hands. I don’t have a problem with people talking during the pre-show, but once the film starts, it’s time for you to zip it and show a little respect for others sharing the space. I did shush him at one point, but that only brought about more conversation about the shushing from his motorized mouth. Clearly, he was drunk. I know this from his multiple trips to the bathroom, his body swaying, and his footfalls dragging with each trek to the promised land of porcelain and ick-inducing grunts of relief. Why didn’t I tell the staff? This guy was huge. At least 6-foot-something to my 5’7. I also have a bad heart, so I’ll let you do the risk assessment math. What’s my point? He potentially ruined the movie for everyone in the theater. No amount of shushing or polite requests to keep quiet penetrated his thick skull.
So, what can we do to get the word out about respecting your fellow moviegoers? Make a list, and hope it gets to the right people. And if you’re that guy who saw Ready or Not 2 at the Westmount in London, Ontario, last week, I hope you see this and think twice about your next theater-going venture. No one was impressed by your behavior, and I hope your partner feels shame and embarrassment for your selfish actions.
Arrive At the Theater On Time
This consideration should go without saying, but get to the theater at a decent time, especially if you plan on buying snacks and drinks. You never know how long the concessions line will be, and if you’re going to the bar, the staff needs time to take your drink order and mix whatever themed alcoholic beverage they’re peddling that week. I don’t give a rat’s ass if you don’t like commercials or don’t care about coming attractions; we all need to suffer through the same car commercials, credit card offers, and short films of sentient popcorn trying to save money with their CineClub memberships. It’s part of the price of admission. By getting to your seat on time, you can finalize your phone-scrolling and have whatever inane conversation you deem necessary before showtime. When those lights dim, so does the volume of your voice.
Put Your Phone Away
We’re all addicted to our phones. I get it. As someone with a phone that’s constantly buzzing with industry-related emails, I know what it’s like to feel that buzz in your pocket, the mystery of who and what’s happening in your digital world eating your soul with each quiver of a decorative phone case. Leave it alone. You paid good money to see the movie that’s about to play (and so did everyone else). Enjoy it. Emerse yourself. Escape. Whatever it is can wait. In the rare case that your phone won’t stop vibrating, politely excuse yourself, go outside the theater, and scroll to your heart’s content. No one wants to see your screen glare. Your business is your business. Take it outside. Also, silence that shit! If your phone starts playing whatever annoying ringtone you downloaded from Zedge at a pivotal moment in the film, don’t be surprised if a local witch steals a hair off your head for a late-night ritual. I know a coven or two. I’ll get it done.
Don’t Talk During the Film
This rule goes without saying. Once the movie starts, it’s time for you to shut your trap and enjoy the show. There are exceptions, but it’s a vibes-based scenario every time. You must read the room. Sometimes, a rowdy crowd can be a lot of fun. If the movie elicits genuine surprises, by all means, join in the fun: a collective gasp, an audible wince of shock. These are fun, communal exceptions to the rule. When a surprise cameo happens in a Marvel film, join the crowd. But if you’re talking at full volume because you think something is about to happen, completely undermining the moment, you’re the asshole. People don’t pay upward of $100 (maybe more) for a night out at the movies to hear your commentary. Nobody cares, and the person sitting next to you is likely embarrassed or fuming at your rude behavior. Save the analysis for after the film. Or, if you need to get something out of your system, lean in and whisper whatever pithy observation you think you have to the person you came to the cinema with. No one else needs your hot takes, and it’s not their fault you chose to empty your bladder at a pivotal point in the film. Lock in, figure it out.
No Spoilers, Please
Suppose you’ve already seen the movie, good for you. If you spoil the film for others, you’re a jerk, and I hope someone excuses themselves to let the air out of your tires while you’re ruining surprises for others around you. There’s no need for you to flaunt your knowledge of the film’s events. There’s no prize for spoiling character reveals, jaw-dropping deaths, or mind-blowing plot points. You’re just a miserable person. You’re probably the same person who drove through the Barnes & Noble parking lot during the height of Pottermania. You sucked then, and you suck now. Shut it.
Clean Up After Yourself
When the movie is over, take your trash with you. You’re not “creating jobs” by leaving your half-eaten concessions at your seat, or heaven forbid, all over the floor. Sometimes, a stray popcorn will escape your buttery grasp, I get that. Still, if you’re leaving trash behind because it’s “not your problem,” think of all the times you wanted to get home from work sooner rather than later. Theater staff doesn’t get paid enough to deal with your mess. Hell, most theater companies think giving them access to free movies and minimum wage is enough compensation for the crap they need to deal with. It’s not. Be considerate and help make their jobs easier by bringing your trash to the proper receptacles. If your hands get nasty when scooping up a spilled bag of popcorn, I’ve got great news! There’s a bathroom with soap and water just down the hall. You know what to do.
While pitching this piece to our Editor-in-Chief, Chris Bumbray, he told me about a recent sub-par theater-going experience with me, and I’m more than happy to share. In his message, Chris said, “Recently, I attended the premiere of They Will Kill You at SXSW. It would have been an amazing screening, but the guy a few rows behind me would not SHUT THE FUCK UP. Kept a running commentary with the movie – all stupid jokes, like when someone is in a dark hallway, he yelled out, ‘oooh this is like Star Wars.’ DUMB. We all yelled at him, but the guy was totally oblivious to anyone’s experience but his own.”
We Want to Hear From You
With all of this in mind, we’d love to hear about your theater-going horror stories. In the comments section below, feel free to exorcise your cinematic demons and tell us about your WORST EXPERIENCES AT THE MOVIES. Call out your aggressors! Put them on blast! Did we miss any unwritten rules that audiences should observe? Go off in the comments section!
The post JoBlo’s Guide to Movie Theater Etiquette appeared first on JoBlo.