Worst Horror Movies of the Year

Every new year that comes brings us a crop of horror movies that blow us away. That breaks the mold and provides us with scares that we haven’t felt in years. Then there are the other types. The ones that fail on almost every conceivable level. And since we don’t like to be ENTIRELY negative, we’ll be sure to throw in a silver lining for each film; you know, a little bit of good amongst the bad. So grab your beverage of choice and let’s throw some films under the bus as we get into the Worst Horror Movies of 2023.

FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY’S

I understand that there’s a small sect of people that enjoy this movie. Heck I’ve even seen children call this their favorite movie of all time, bless their hearts. But I genuinely do not get it. This movie is boring, stale, and features one convoluted plot device after another. Imagine caring more about your dead brother than your very much alive sister, to the point that you keep falling asleep on the job because you won’t stop dream investigating. The same job you NEED in order to keep custody of your sister. This guy is just the worst. I don’t even feel bad about him being terrorized by these Chuck-E-Cheese lookin’ dummies.
 
But the biggest sin this movie makes is that the Five Nights at Freddy’s series is known for one thing: Jump Scares. It’s what’s managed to give the game series the reputation that it has. Yet they’re practically non-existent here. And look, I’m no fan of jump scares but when you go into a movie set in the ocean, you expect water. So the decision to almost entirely avoid them makes next to zero sense. There’s hardly any tension even, so I’m not entirely sure what the point of this was other than to appease fans of the game. And apparently to become Blumhouse’s biggest movies ever. Fuck me.
 
Silver lining: This lawyer is absolutely hilarious and is easily the best part of the whole movie. And who doesn’t love a hammy Matthew Lillard?

PET SEMATARY: BLOODLINES

Pet Sematary has always had a tough time at the movies. While the original story from King is great, they just haven’t been able to properly get the concept across on screen. And Pet Sematary: Bloodlines is certainly no different. Writer/Director Lindsey Anderson Beer had a lot of hype behind her after being a flaunted Hollywood script doctor. But remarkably, the writing is one of the worst aspects of Bloodlines. Every character makes the worst decision that they could make in any singular moment. And these people do not speak like normal humans. I had such trouble caring about anyone in this cast, that my only reprieve was from Henry Thomas. At least he seemed like he cared. Even Duchovny feels like he’s sleepwalking through his role! Dammit Mulder, I expected more out of you!
 
The concept of following Jud Crandall as a young man is actually a great starting point. We’ve seen this character clearly has a history with the Pet Sematary, so it feels like a no brainer. But if anything the story makes Jud look like a complete moron for staying. The number of people that manage to be entirely useless in this story is downright impressive. Pam Grier literally just shows up to wear a bad prosthetic and die. And no one seems to be able to grasp the concept that maybe these dead people who want to murder others, probably are bad people. If you can even call them people.

Also, I want to spotlight the fact that the last we see of Norma, she’s being hunted down and being held up by the re-animated Donna. Then, when Jud goes into the hospital shortly after, he finds writing in blood. And he’s back to meet up with others, all pissed. We don’t hear anything more about Norma until she’s magically back with Jud at the end of the movie. Then what was the point of this entire stalking sequence if she’s just going to be a-okay?! One of many
baffling decisions here.
 
Silver lining: Henry Thomas, I guess?

IT’S A WONDERFUL KNIFE

I really enjoyed Freaky and Justin Long has become a bit of a Scream King in recent years. So a film starring Long, and written by the guy who did Freaky seemed like a treat for Horror/Comedy fans. But there’s almost nothing that works about It’s a Wonderful Knife. Which is too bad because Christmas Horror can be really great. The story here is pretty simple: after Wendy Carruthers stops a psychotic killer, she winds up in a parallel universe where the killer was never stopped after she wishes she’d never been born. Sounds familiar? Surprisingly all of the It’s a Wonderful Life callbacks are some of the worst elements, as they feel very lazy and superficial. Several times they disrupt the narrative just to try and throw some kind of reference in. Hell, the entire impetuous to get her to wish herself gone, is that people are inexplicably mad at her for killing a psychopath, due to its unintended consequences. Except all of these things are so stupid, that Wendy just comes across like a baby for wanting to take things to such extreme measures.
 
Not to mention the fact that the parallel world feels so unrealistic and awkward, that it’s hard not to just poke holes in the plot. Hell, the film is set in Angel Falls and the killer is known as The Angel. You’d think they’d know how to have fun with it. But instead, everything is dour. We even get a scene with teens doing meth for… reasons. I’m sure many people will try the film out due to Joel McHale and Justin Long but they’re hardly in the movie. And when they are, they aren’t very good. And it features one of the worst endings in recent memory, not giving a single thought to anything other than wrapping things up with a bow. I enjoyed the Killer’s main weapon, as well as their look, but when said killer constantly relies on convenience and happenstance, they lose so much of their aura.
 
Silver Lining: I’ve always wanted a killer who wears all white, as there’s so much to play with when it comes to the killer hiding in the snowy environment.

WINNIE THE POOH: BLOOD AND HONEY

As certain trademarks and copyrights start to expire, we’re sure to see more and more literary works adapted by independent filmmakers. And everyone knows that you’re going to go cheap and want to impress, you dive into horror as the lower budgets are more forgiving with the blood and guts variety. And I have to give it to the filmmakers here, they could have easily half-assed it in the cinematography department, but the film is actually pretty decent-looking. Unfortunately, that’s all I have in terms of positives as this is quite the grim affair. The credit sequence is a very poorly done animation that doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the film. And then there’s the kills: they’re just so unexciting and dull. You’d think that they would have at least a few decent ones but they all suck. And the biggest sin the movie makes is that it’s just not fun. It’s dark and grisly and it doesn’t earn any of it. This is a boring experience and doesn’t succeed at anything it’s going for.

Silver lining: There’s not a whole lot here but the fact that they’re so quick to make a sequel and are already switching up the design of Poo, makes me hope they’ll go a more schlocky route.

ELEVATOR GAME

I think it hurts a lot more when a bad movie comes from someone who impressed just the year prior. Sure, we featured Bring it On: Cheer or Die on our Worst Of list last year. And that comes from the same writer, but we also gave high marks to Glorious, which was one of the big surprises of the year, and comes from the same writer and director. But with that comes higher expectations, so I went into Elevator Game expecting great cosmic horror and a tightly crafted story. Instead what I got was a lazily written story where the characters make boneheaded decision after boneheaded decision. Don’t get me wrong, I love to hate watch characters in bad horror. Their eventual demise is all the sweeter. But there’s no enjoyment to be had here.
 
These characters don’t act like normal human beings, let alone normal teens, and there isn’t a single one to root for. But the movie fails at its premise: a group of friends from high school created a paranormal show and they need a big episode to keep their sponsors. So they partake in the Elevator Game: a ritual in which players attempt to travel to another dimension. Unfortunately, that dimension is nothing more than neon lights and jumps scares. This felt like someone in their senior year, trying to figure out what adults do for money and failing to understand how life works. Add in a bit of out nowhere gayness, this movie doesn’t ever seem to know what it wants to be.
 
Silver Lining: The opening actually tricks you into thinking it’s going to be a lot.
 
But hey, not every single swing hits a home run. Sometimes you just have to take your licks, pick yourself up by your bootstraps and try again. And all of these creators are absolutely capable of creating great work so here’s hoping that their next project ends up on lists that are a little more flattering.

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